Postpartum Rage
Postpartum emotions can be intense. They range from the all consuming love you feel for this tiny human, the joy of becoming a mom, the worry of anything bad happening and maybe on the tough nights even a few pangs of missing a simpler life (with more sleep) before your little one arrived.
It’s not unusual to feel irritable when baby isn’t sleeping and you’re at the end of your rope. But it’s estimated that about 1/3 of moms who are struggling with infant sleep experience intense rage. This is more than just feeling a bit snippy. Rage is usually defined as ‘violent and uncontrolled anger’ - words we don’t usually expect to hear when everyone is cooing over your 3 month old.
Studies suggest that postpartum anger often exists alongside postpartum depression. Fleeting anger is normal during stressful times but if you’re worried about ongoing bouts of fury then it may be time to speak to a professional.
Anger can also be a problem for partners too and very few partners have the tools to cope with it.
Anger can become somewhat of a habit as we become addicted to those intense feelings. Buddhists describe the addictive nature of this state of mind - ‘anger has a poisoned root and honeyed tip.’ The initial moment of flying off the handle can even feel good. We feel self-righteous and buzzing with energy when we get lost in angry feelings but the aftermath can be so harmful. New moms experiencing this ‘mom rage’ are usually surprised by it’s force. Most pregnancy books focus on postpartum mood concerns manifesting as feelings of sadness and apathy - rage isn’t usually mentioned. As you begin to work with your anger you’re learning how to recognize irritation at the very beginning as it manifests itself in your body before it blows up into anger, rage and resentment.
Helping Yourself in the Heat of the Moment
As with all difficult emotions trying to suppress them may work momentarily but it’s likely to eventually show up with even more force. As you practice a mindful approach to anger be gentle with yourself. Try to catch the first inkling that your fuse has been lit...check in with your body...the first signs may be a tightness in your stomach or chest, your pace of breathing increases… you may feel physically hot. It’s so much easier to catch anger in the early stages when you notice the embers of irritation so you can stop fanning the flames early on - compared to controlling a full raging inferno and all you have is a cup of water to try and control it. Depending on your circumstances if you are home alone with your baby and feel like you are at the end of your rope, place baby in a safe place such as the crib so you can take a few moments to breathe.
First things first - pay attention to what’s happening in your body, be curious and accepting.
Name it to tame it - ‘this is anger’ ‘this is pissedoffedness’ (not sure if that’s an actual word but you get the jist).
Accept and acknowledge - don’t try to push it down or away.
Know that it’s a temporary feeling (you know this is true). These feelings are impermanent...just passing through….and the more you can stand back and observe them as the nosy neighbor of your mind rather than trying to wrestle your anger to the ground to control it - the less fuel there is for the fire. I am not saying this is easy - far from it and it takes courage and a lot of self compassion to not jump on the anger bandwagon.
As those strong feelings start to recede and you feel your rational mind is back on line again - be curious - what triggered you?
What do you need right now? (Always adding a generous sprinkling of self-compassion to these processes).
If you can - sit for a moment and breathe slowly as your body and mind settle.
Shame is Rage’s Bestie
Almost immediately after you lose your temper you start to feel the consequences - shame is standing waiting in the wings to make a grand entrance. Experts say the function of shame is to stop us from damaging our relationships, or to motivate us to repair them if we do. Most new moms experience the two different types of shame. Internal shame is that ruthless inner critic that wants to keep you feeling like the most unworthy mom on the planet. External shame relates to how we feel others perceive us (judgmental and critical).
External shame relates to the experience of assuming that other people think badly of you or are judging you. Research suggests that women feel both internal and external shame more strongly than men and these are linked with higher rates of depression. So we definitely need a strong antidote to soothe these powerful emotions. Internal shame makes us doubt our worth and lovability in this world - and it thrives on isolation.
Soothing Rage and Softening Shame
As your mindfulness practice develops you start to notice negative thought loops (also known as rumination) that keep you locked into those feelings of shame. Mindfulness and self-compassion practices are key to dissolving these unhelpful patterns of thought and feeling.
Self-compassion focuses on the opposite of shame—self-kindness instead of self-criticism, connection instead of isolation, and mindfulness instead of rumination. When you notice those uncomfortable unhelpful thoughts coming up you’ll see them for what they are - passing mental events - you are not your thoughts. As shame dissolves you’re making room to feel more gentle and more kind towards yourself.
I hope you find this helpful and can begin creating more space to cultivate kindness, compassion during this stressful time.
Tracy
